Masonic humour

 

Structure of the lodge

The Worshipful Master

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than an Intercity Express
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water.
Gives policy to God

The Senior Warden

Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a goods train.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.  Walks on the water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God

The Junior Warden

Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind.
Is almost as powerful as a goods train
Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet.
Walks on water of a swimming pool.
Talks with God if special dispensation is given.

The Senior Deacon

Barely clears a garden hut
Loses a tug-of-war with a train
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well, is occasionally addressed by God

The Junior Deacon

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by trains
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.  Doggie paddles,
Talks with the animals

The Inner Guard

Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.  Can stay afloat with a life vest.
Talks to walls

The Steward

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo choo's"  Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles,
Mumbles to himself

The Secretary

Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks trains off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is God !

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The Office of Steward 

The office of Steward is the first office to which a Brother is appointed.

 An important first step. 

Is there no ceremony to mark this?

Did our ancient Brethren do it this way?

Research have shown that there was a ceremony,

not in the ritual book, but handed down from time improbable,

 by word of mouth alone, now sadly rarely seen. 

 

This evening with the assistance of my  the D.C.  

an explanation of this archaic ceremony will be given.

 

I shall therefore request the D.C. to put the necessary questions. 

 

D.C. Bro.________ where were you first prepared to be made a Steward?

ANSWER: In the body of the Lodge by the W.M's' pedestal.

 

D.C. Where next?

ANSWER: At the festive board adjoining the Lodge.

 

D.C. Describe the mode of your preparation.

ANSWER: I was deprived of the right to eat my dinner in peace, a napkin was placed over my left arm, a bottle opener placed in my right hand and a corkscrew was hung about my neck. (J.W. does this) 

 

D.C. What is Stewardship?

ANSWER: A Peculiar system of servitude, Practised by few for the benefit of many. 

D.C. Name the three grand Principles on which Stewardship is founded.

ANSWER: Courtesy, prompt clearing of the empties and willingness at all times to bring a beer when properly called upon. 

D.C. With what were you invested?

ANSWER: The working tools of a Steward, namely the napkin, the bottle opener and the corkscrew. 

D.C. Explain their separate and conjoint significations.

ANSWER: The napkin being white, denotes the purity of the beverages we serve. The bottle opener is an instrument which acts on the Principle of leverage and enables beer to be opened for the brethren and our visitors and the Corkscrew, which works with a winding motion, is meant to remind us of the staircase up which our ancient brethren went to receive their refreshment. 

 

D.C. What refreshment did they receive? 

ANSWER: Scruple and roasted chickens.

 

D.C. Why this Peculiar menu?

ANSWER: Scruple was a well-known strong ale to which they felt justly entitled, and roasted chickens were served frequently by the Temple caterers in those days.

 

D.C. What was in the two great Crates which were placed at or near to the entrance to the Festive Board?

ANSWER: That on the left contained Fosters and that on the right John Smiths 

 

D.C. What are their separate and conjoint significations?

ANSWER: The former denotes Strength, the latter to Inebriate and when conjoined, Instability, for the Worshipful Master said, "With strong beer I will inebriate these my Brethren and make them remember MY year in office for ever!"

 

= = = = = = = = = =  

The Festive Board.jpg

 

 

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."

                                     = = = = = = = = = = = = =        

-       Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.

A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.

The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.

One turned to the other and said, "I bet he′s the Secretary of his Lodge!"

"Why do you say that?", the other asked.

"Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

                                            = = = = = = = = =

                                   

A group of Masons are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 = = = = = = = = = = =

 

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.

The candidate replied "a beer".

At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.

"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."

                                    = = = = = = =

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.

"OK," said the WM, "I′ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."

"I can′t do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don′t you know that′s impossible? No Genie could do that. It′s too far, the water is too deep, it′s just totally beyond anybody′s power. You will have to make another wish."

"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the side lines and behave!"

"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

= = = = = = = = = = = =

 

The Prime Minister is visiting a Glasgow hospital during a trip to England. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, he greets one.

The patient replies:

     "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,

      Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm,

      As langs my airm."

The Prime Minister is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds:

     "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,

      But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and hisr grin now rictus-like, the Prime Minister moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

     "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,

      Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle"

Now seriously troubled, he turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.' .

                                    = = = = = = = = = =      

 

 

The Inner Guard

As the master smacks his gavel firmly on the wooden block,
the deacon seemed a loss for words the ritual all forgot,
the wardens both their gavels stilled as neither dare to knock
and the masters past, in the east they sit as if in utter shock.

Apprentice Masons stand amazed, their eyes they cast aside
and fellow craft to their mentors look an answer to provide,
masons full all steeped in craft look quickly in their guide,
for on a goat the inner guard he firmly sits astride.

Brother Inner Guard, an answer please why do you sit that goat,
Tis not an allegory I’ve heard or any mason wrote,
I’ve checked the rules and historic text no reason not a mote,
for the Inner Guard to mounted be, for this I see no quote.

I fear that I’ve been led astray and made a shocking hash,
but the internet was oh so clear as to how I was to act,
my choice to mount upon a goat is a Wikipedia fact,
to show I’ve learnt my ritual well with style I have no lack.

I thank you brother your study is I’m sure of scholarly bent,
but did you read the ritual notes of which the secretary sent, no animals will to lodge be brought, even with the masters assent
and never goats Brother Inner Guard the rules they do prevent.

So take your goat and move him hence before my gavel drops,
let him graze without the Lodge, upon the grass to crop
and be not timid to question me if you need additional props,
for goats and masonic ritual are most certainly not apropos.

 = = = = = = = = =

 

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.

One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.

A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"

"Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"

"Indeed I am" said Bill.

Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"

"There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Ann Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."

"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."

"Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."

"OK, so what's the good news?"

"The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"

"Great" said Pat. "What′s the bad news then?"

"You′re the Senior Deacon!

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

 

The Worshipful Master is talking to one of the visiting brethren who just happens to be a doctor and complains that the Senior Warden doesn't seem to hear what the Master was saying during the Lodge rituals. The visitor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.

“Next time you have a ritual address yourself to the Senior Warden from your chair, and then slowly advance from the East and see how far away you are when he first responds.”

The Master excited to finally be working on a solution to the Senior Wardens problem, sets up a simple ritual for the next meeting. On the night and once every is seated, he starts the test.

"Brother Jones” the Master asks from his chair in the east “What is the role of the Senior Warden?” After receiving no response he advances toward the West and tried it again halfway across the Lodge, and again no response. He advances to the edge of the mosaic, again with no response from the Senior Warden. Finally standing directly in front of the Senior Warden he says "What is the duty of the Senior Warden".

He replies "For the fourth time, to ensure that the Worshipful Master puts fresh batteries into his hearing aid before the next meeting."

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 Worshipful Masters chair.jpg

 

hand%20signals.gif 

 

 

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
    He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
    Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1."
    St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge′s name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
    He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone  in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
    The Master then asked where his Lodge′s clock was as he couldn't see it.
    St. Peter replied, "Why, it′s in the kitchen, of course."
    "The kitchen," said the Master?
    "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

 

 

 A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who knows the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble. 
So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason′s apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. 
The man said "how much is the one with the masters apron on."
 "£2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck."
 "No", he said "too expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on."
 "Well, that one is £1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it."
 "No too much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on."
 "You can have him for £10.00."
 "Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"
 "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

 

 An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many  of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It′s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn′t wash up nothing did.
"He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
 "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
 "Well, let′s row over to my place, then," she  said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It′s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can′t take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I′m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
 No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We′ve been out here for a very long time. You′ve been lonely. There′s something I′m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you′ve been longing for all these months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn′t believe what he was hearing: ´You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?

 

-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:

"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY

 

Have you heard of the Lodge that was holding its meetings in the ball room of the local hotel while its building was undergoing renovations?
One night a traveling salesman asked the desk clerk who all those men going into the room were.
The desk clerk replied: "Oh, those are the Masons."
The salesman said: "Oh, I've always wanted to join that lodge. Do you think they would let me in?"
"Oh, no," said the clerk. "They're awful exclusive. Why, you see that poor guy standing outside the door with a sword? He's been knocking for six months and they still won't let him in!!!"

 

 

 

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